backuphero | 15S R3 "IF I SHOULD DIE" LETTERS (Reply)

[The body of the text is in that same blocky print some of you might have glimpsed on the ill-fated Weapons Log.]

Well, anyway, if you're reading this I'm dead. I'm no good with this kind of thing. I really did want to make it out of here with all of you guys, but if you're reading this, that's not happening. I don't know what did happen, but I hope I didn't take anybody with me (except Red, if I got to drag her screeching to Hell it'll all have been worth it).

I grew up alone except for that girl whose name they took from me. Couldn't really bring friends home who weren't growing up in the same trade as me, not with my father in the state that he was more and more of the time, and by the time I hit high school it was just too late to try. I was too angry to try. I always wanted brothers like my grandfather had, and I found you two here, of all places. Maybe - if the theory of the transmigration of souls really is true, maybe someday we'll see each other again. I want to think that's possible.

Found a sister, too, and an auntie, and a crazy God-father, and a bunch of men I'd have trusted at my back in a fight, even though if you're reading this I maybe shouldn't have.

I fell in love. Don't tell the witch in blue (awful, isn't it, that Vita wore the same color?) about that. It'd break her heart.

My biggest regret is leaving all of you behind. I swear I didn't really want to die. I mean it. Swear on my grandfather's grave. So get out of here, all right? Live, and go forwards knowing you did all you could. Make Akira proud of you all.

And if you make it to my Earth, to Austin, Texas, and you can look up a Dr. Leticia Morris - there's a big yellow house right between the country club and the home for the insane, in Hyde Park. (It's a nice neighborhood, I swear.) That's where she lives, that's where I grew up, and don't tell her how I died, please. Just say that I love her, and I'm sorry I'm not coming home, and I promise I won't kick Dad's ass too badly when I see him. If my best friend's with her - tell her I'm sorry for disappearing, and sorry I was so "willfully obtuse" about so much stuff. She'll know what you mean. (But seriously, don't tell her about Vita and me, that'd just be cruel.)

Naoya -
I know you've suffered more than I could ever understand. I know that if you can't get away from what put that burden on your shoulders it might not stop. I hope you do, and no matter what happens after here, I hope I made things less heavy for a little while. I'd never ask you to pray for me - just remember me, okay? [The text is barely legible: it has been heavily scribbled over, most likely at some point during his insomnia - IT DOESN'T MATTER IT DOESN'T MATTER IT DOESNT MATTER IT DOESNT ITDOESNTITDOESNTHESGONE]

Yurick -
They didn't take your fire. You still have it, even if you can't throw it at other people anymore. Don't let this place quench it, and for God's sake don't turn it on yourself. Don't cut yourself off from everyone. It's no way to live: trust me, I know. If the brooch I've been wearing is still around after whatever happened to me, I want you to have it. Outside of here it's a protective charm.

Nagisa -
The whip is yours. Even if you can't find my home, you're a natural. Wish I could've taught you some of the stupid bar tricks I learned to practice control. I'm doing what my father did, laying demands on you now that I'm dead, but... take care of everyone you can. You're probably the scariest person here right now, with me and Naoya and Rosencruez [sic] all gone.

Barbara -
Yeah, I meant you with the sister thing. Who'd you think I meant, huh? I'm sorry I never got to see that movie you were in. I think Fuzzball should do fine moving in with you, if you're up to a fluttery little roommate who leaves space food wrappers all over your bed if you don't see to it he doesn't have to feed himself.

Angela -
Truth is, "aunt" wasn't the best word. You remind me of my mom. A lot. She's blonde, like you, tries to make everything okay when she can, like you, scares the hell out of me when I've done something wrong, like you. Keep the rosary. Didn't seem to bring any kind of luck to us Morrises, that's for sure. I know I messed up if you're reading this, so I can't ask you to pray for me, but remember me? Please?

C -
I thought you were crazy. I really did. But you're kind, and not in a cloying calculated way. You're genuinely kind, and - you would've been a doctor who kept kids from getting scared. I know you would've, because you kept me from getting scared here. I don't know what I have here that you'd want... I guess take care of Fuzzball, with Barbara?

Akira -
You're not going to read this, but I wanted to get it out. I'm sorry. You lost someone to suicide, and I still - I thought it was a valid way out of here for a little bit. Thought it'd protect people if I did it. It wouldn't have, and if you are watching, I'm so sorry.

Vita -
If someone is reading this and you can see that, I'll see you again soon, I hope. I want to keep going with what we started, I want - you, honestly. I want to lay my head in your lap and weep until this place is gone from me. It's selfish, I know. But I'm not really Sir Galahad, either. Love you, gorgeous. I think I do, anyway. I don't know what "falling in love" really means, but - [The text cuts off abruptly, with a scribble, as though he were writing and then had to hide what he was working on because someone walked in.]